i’m not really sure what to write, i’m not sure i even really feel like making an entry. enough to open up the notes and type this, i suppose. it’s difficult to get back into the habit of writing something like a diary or daily note. i’ve just been pointlessly stewing on what the “real” point of this site is. the general idea was to look back on something i made in my early 20s- to write down what i was doing, so that i can see it in the future.. since i’ll likely forget a lot of it. normal enough, viable enough. the catch is that it seems as though super big things aren’t something i am even slightly tempted to write about- like, i won’t forget those big events. or perhaps i’m just too caught up in the moment. as you can pick up, i prefer to journal the mundane. i assume this is because there is more ambiguous space in my mind and time to do that. not that any of these really take more than 10 minutes.. but you know, i assume it to be an hour. as if it is some event task.

__φ(。。) well, so.. what am i up to? who cares really. i’ll tell you something unremarkable: what i’m fixated on right now, is telling people about how much i'm injuring my foot. both for attention and more notably peculiarity purposes. how and why? habitually, i sit criss cross (applesauce^^)- in my chair, in public chairs, on the floor, in my bed, on the plane. it runs the gamut. and so, if i’ve been at it for over a decade.. how is it that i am getting injured, now? i haven’t a clue! that is my current big mystery i’m observing.

see, the injury isn’t really just one thing, it’s like 5 different things. (warning: maybe gross? very boring!) first, i noticed the top of my left foot developing hard, dry skin, kind of like your elbow but darker and more like sandpaper rather than tough. that alone was fine. but then, i started to get this red patch over a prominent part of my ankle, kind of like a rug burn or bad sunburn in its early stages. that patch developed into something that looks like eczema- which it is not. it sort of hurts, but only when it rubs against my blanket at night, or my socks when i put them on. the 3rd complication being bruises, it looks like my foot got punched by the smallest human on earth, with the power x3 their size. next, 4th, my personal favorite and most curious, one long crease on the outer side of my foot- hard, non-movable. i thought it was a long, shallow cut at first, but no.. it’s like a permanent(tbd) crease due to pushing on the skin(theory). and 5th, the only one that actually matters.. pain equivalent to a semi-sprained ankle when i walk or put pressure on my foot upright. that one is not fun!

seriously, why now? i cannot figure this out. i am sitting the exact same way i have been my whole life, and then.. all of a sudden these problems appear. i am requesting ideas as to why this is. was there just a time bomb that was ready to unleash at a certain date, or has someone been beating up my left foot in my sleep? i find it very peculiar and i think about it all the time now. it’s the thing.. if this “diary” is meant to track “things”.. this is the thingiest thing for now.

and yes, i’ve been to the doctor about it. twice in 2 months. she does not have a theory as to why it is just happening now. regardless, she was very disappointed in me that i told her i hadn’t changed my sitting patterns from the first visit to the most recent. something about prolonged damage, permanent damage.. blah blah.

if you got through reading about an internet stranger's left foot, i applaud you. the story didn’t go anywhere.. and you persevered, congratulations. really.

other than that which i find most interesting- i’ve been semi-socializing(for a hermit) and working hard at school. (((what))). i know. it’s too crazy and i do not want to elaborate on either of it, for it’ll spoil it all.. if i think too much on it.
( ´ ∀ ` )ﾉ have a fantastic week, or don’t. i won’t know either way.

as a class outing paid for by my college, i went to disneyland the other day. strange, i know, but it makes sense if you knew my major- which is just too much of a pain to get into. anyways, i am not a fan of disney movies or products whatsoever other than kingdom hearts. though i’m not a fan, i can appreciate a couple of the older animations like sleeping beauty.. or winnie the pooh, later on.
see, my parents weren’t fans of disney.. to say that is an understatement, my mom loathes disney.. unless it’s cinderella- she attempts to be a hipster like that. in fact, she just despises movies in general- she gets fussy on the topic of movies alone, “they make her sick”. and my dad, like i, prefers minorly to majorly inappropriate/violent live-action sorts of things. when i was living back home, sometimes i’d walk into his office and he’d be quietly smiling watching something to the effect of russian car crash compilations. very gentle, mild-mannered guy, but really he only finds others suffering funny- everything else falls flat. i quite like that about him. his duality is pretty humorous.

so, you can imagine, i’ve never been to disneyland. or any theme park.. other than “enchanted forest”- a park made by one dude off the side of a highway in oregon somewhere. my mom’s picking, of course, being the nonconformist she portrays to be. and really, that’s fine by me- i tend to prefer shitty things for the humor rather than places that attract “fan”-types.

i get sick on rides anyways...or anything moving slightly for that matter lol. which is exactly what happened at disneyland. i went on the indiana jones ride and threw up a little after the first bump and proceeded to look like a ridgid downer being tossed around. the equivalent look of a dad who is “too man” for a kid’s ride, refusing to smile, arms crossed. but, i swear it’s not for a certain perception of my character, i’m just generally kind of stiff. i naturally don’t move my position or fidget around unless i am prompted to do an action.└(￣-￣└)

so, here i am sitting next to this (disney adult) teacher, who i happened to sit next to every ride (3), and who is there to see his class be interested in the construction of the rides.. and i am, but to him all he sees is a strange girl who hasn’t cracked a smile, not even a nervous one. so, i tried to make conversation with him after to assert that i am not a downer (i am). i think i failed miserably.. i couldn’t think of anything to ask other than what his favorite soup was.. (he said french dip, alone) who the fuck chooses french dip alone by the way? maybe i shouldn’t care about his opinion after that answer, idk.

if anything was notable it was that i’ve never seen so many mobility scooters in one place before. i’m not a disability expert by any means, or think disabled people shouldn’t enjoy the same thing able-bodied people enjoy- it was just a bit of a surprise is all.. i cannot fathom that disney which is already mediocre and costly, is worth traversing in huge crowds as someone in a scooter or wheelchair. i mean, seriously, with getting around all the children and not-aware parents, it seems like hell. not to mention actually getting on rides, which there are only so many that are friendly to people who cannot reliably move without aid. i suppose, if there were so many scooters/mobility aid devices, it must be a relatively non-issue and quite disability friendly park. i suppose this is just one of those things i haven’t seen at a mass level before. really, what it boils down to for me is that i cannot imagine being that big of a fan of a franchise or company to put myself through any kind of uncomfortability. but, it seems disney has a never-ending supply of “fans”, in all kinds of bodies.

anyways, i don’t really think i had any grander point to my disneyland experience. i did not like it, i did not expect to like it. i found certain practical effects very interesting, but i wouldn’t say that i found it worth more than a single visit. i was expecting something to make me understand the intense popularity. usually, i can get on board with those sorts of things.. in theory. more than likely, this all boils down to my inability to feel immersed or play-pretend. i’ve never understood how people are capable of that, in a way that is so obviously fake like disneyland. immersion seems to fly over my head once again. too bad, really. i hope one day i can feel it, the way other people describe it to be. i assume, unless i regress to a childlike state i’ll never be able to rework that skill. if i’m 95 and pissing myself, i better be in la la land. god willing. ٩(ˊ〇ˋ*)و

for one of my classes we are doing portfolio development prior to a thesis being due next semester. i had to sign a contract stating my intent, it’s very over the top for my degree. so, that’s the stage im in- the cusp of an industrious few months. i’ve been feeling hopeful, in a lot of ways, hopeful that i can do it, that i have the ability to produce substantial work.. but i suppose.. with this impending graduation thing, implied job, so on, my body has been feeling incredibly anxious. it feels a little like how i felt all the time before i went on meds. a constant tight stomach, clenching jaw, chest butterflies almost all day and night. i’ve been trying to re correct it as much as i can, but it seems to come back instantly unless im perma aware. pretty average experience i presume. the newness comes from an actually positive outlook paired with it, haven’t had that before. it’s odd. ┐(￣ヘ￣;)┌

in other happenings, i’m considering making a small webmaster/about me page. i’m not sure there is much to add to it. i’m not entirely interested in people knowing, but i’m also not super against it- might be an interesting thing for viewers. pretty much whatever could be assumed about me from the website as is, is probably accurate anyways. this only came to mind since i was making an updated games, music, and media page. putting them all into one. might just be better to sinch them into one on the me page. undecided.

i will definitely be making an animal crossing new horizons update blog, since i’ve finally decided on what i want to do with my island. animal crossing is definitely one of those games if you see a really cool island, the inspiration feels like it comes from a place of shame. my island is so.. bastardized in between theme ideas. i’ve got it now though, it’ll be overgrown/slightly abandoned japanese country side. (づ￣ v￣)づsoon coming!!!!

and speaking of me, it’s my birth month. as i grow older i feel less and less happy about any of it. it’s not something i’ve grown out of just yet. i’m not sure i ever will unless i make major changes to my general worldview/ideology prescriptions. lot of confusion as to why i’m still here, but what’s the point in spending time questioning my motives for living any more. it’s all emotional at the end of the day, there is no logical pathway. on the 27th i will become 22. 22 feels red and square, i prefer 23 that feels blue and triangle. i’ll be 23 in some countries' calendars, which is satisfactory enough.

other than the anxious stomach/chest, i’ve been enjoying massaging my muscles and lifting weights. it’s especially nice in the morning when there is not much noise and just enough light to feel like there is a point in doing any of it. i like the way the shadows look through the tree into my hermit sheet i put over my window. it is calming.

i’m quickly over ffxiv and back to overwatch now. these are the riveting things that take place in my life, switching between games- or if you get me on a good day i’ll tell you i went to cvs, which will take up like 50% of my weekly activity meter. incredible how sedentary i am (it’s all i seem to talk about here). i could probably win a competition for not going outside against people in my age range, location, and gender. and thankfully, or not.. depending on when you ask me, i must start up college courses again. though, it seems i only go in-person on mondays. but get this, i am on campus 10am-10pm that monday (╯︵╰,). . .. and i have to drive, which is scary for me since i suck at driving and the roads are really cramped in the morning. i must pray x10 before bed to ensure i don’t expire in my endeavor.

additionally, the class's content is quite nerve-wracking for me. ultimately it is useful, though. it’s essentially preparation for a certain job market- pitching, resume, connections, all that stuff. i know i need to be doing all that. but, really i’m not confident in anything to have it in my portfolio, nor am i confident enough in my work to convince someone of it. especially not in front of a bunch of other people who have it relatively figured out, who might have passion for the field. i am not a passionate person, just at a base level. it takes a strike of luck for me to get really into anything other than sea life. and it’s not that i don’t enjoy the field, i do, i find it interesting- but, i feel in order to participate in the class i need better work to prove my competence. i’m hoping that since it’s a course, it’s not too serious and my concerns can be addressed honestly. or that maybe, seeing other people that have it more together in terms of “being ready for the field” will inspire me, whether thats genuine desire to improve on my part or pure competition, we’ll see. likely the latter, as that’s how most things are in life, aren’t they.

and back to speaking of gaming, i’ve mentioned in a previous upload that headphones/earbuds create a kinda sensory issue for me, but that i wear them all the time out of habit and not wanting my roommates to hear what i am watching, listening, or doing (even if they realistically can’t). i can’t ever tell which is worse, the feeling of disgust the headphones pressing into me gives me or the pure annoyance at having to hear other people. it sounds like not a big deal, i mean.. they barely even make noise, but i seem to overreact internally to having to be near noise in a way that is sorta intimate in a place such as my home. it feels like i can’t full decompress when there are people in another room, even if it’s about as good as it possibly could get. i hope i can work that out somehow. it’s entirely on me afterall to do so.

if anyone knows of any earplugs or some kind of blocking device that doesn't really feel like anything, do let me know. i don’t know if that even exists. ╮(￣ω￣;)╭

i don’t typically get sick, since i am extremely careful- in an anxious way, of course.. but, also since i don’t really go outside much, at least not in a way that puts me in stuffy areas. i happened to visit my family for a month and on the plane ride back there were multiple ancient men coughing. i assume i got covid from one of those men. maybe they've all died by now, who knows. heres a small video i made, from the trip. thinking about making more small videos.

i’ve tested negative for a few days now. while i was sick i picked up ffxiv- mainly peer pressure. most of my close-ish friends play ffxiv to some extent.. a bit of a red flag, but to be fair it is quite good for a mmo- the free trial offers a shit ton of hours for solo and group content. it’s funny, the joke in my friend group is i’m the only person in the world that they excuse for skipping cutscenes, because all i want to do is in-game fishing- and i pay attention to the fishing quest dialogue (which is entirely meaningless). since i’ve been a kid, if there is fishing in a game, that is all i do- unless i’m required the do combat for certain leveling for items.

i’m playing a female roegadyn bard with honest hopes to pick up scholar and warrior soon, since i don’t want to just be limited to playing dps (shit queue times). if i end up sticking to the game and being able to move my fingers quick enough/stretch enough, (no i’m not getting an mmo mouse) i’ll want to pick up astrologian, red mage, and samurai.

if any of you reading this know the game, i got praetorium 4 days in a row for daily MSQ. my friends log skipped and i was the designated cut scene watcher. ε===(っ≧ω≦)っ is that bullying? i think it may count. they got gaius down past his second phase before i could even get out of him running his mouth for 4 minutes lol. i get that it gives you a ton of exp, but fuck dude… and apparently it used to be worse, something like ~40 minutes of cut scenes. the cut scenes aren’t even as bad as the mech section, genuinely makes me feel kinda queasy from how boring it is.

other than ffxiv, i’ve been sleeping a lot. pretty much do summer quarter hw, nap, ffxiv, nap again, do sudoku ~1-2 hours, ffxiv, more sudoku, and then sleep- wake up 3 times in the night and do it all again the next day. could be a lot worse i reckon. 124 hours in ~12 days is a new level of yikes for me, i’ll admit- but i’ve been smiling and laughing a lot more than regular so it’s not just mindless droning on grinding randomness. as for habits/new happenings, for reference for future me, i’ve been drinking tons of blue gatorade and zevia, dyed some of my hair periwinkle-ish, hacking up tons of mucus for some reason, and got 2 new roommates. i’ll update with some more coherent stuff, possibly soon if i get out of the little depression i’ve been in. be well.

another month, year, decade has passed and i’m still as disjointed as ever. they told me it will get better with time, that i’ll “come into myself”, as if i’ve ever not been myself- that i’ll be able to seize an approximation of the internally grey mess- and that, that approximation will continuously determine my relationship with existence. they all claim this grey mess has the chance at, or inherent existence, of discernable form, that somatics will clear a path and rationality will lead the way. a path i supposedly should’ve been walking since kindergarten, little steps, wrong directions, all of it. and yet, i’ve been standing in place, allowing this mass to accumulate enormous size. perhaps, if i was facing this amorphous wall, i would’ve been able to see it grow. but, my back has been turned forever, a squatting position perhaps, staring at the floor tracing my finger along the nihility that lay there.

i’ve been forced around, forced face to face, with the seemingly endless tangle of incoherent spurts of energy, upheld by foggy memories that just barely make themselves noticeable. i can’t walk into the mass, but i can stare into the nothingness that has built my existence thus far.

it only shows me little bits of childhood, tinged with the presence of a shapeless figure. shapeless, until a grip forms around my arm- i’m shown sitting on a half-deflated blow up bed, at a family friend's house in miami. the bottom of my feet entirely brown from the dander and dirt their 6 dogs wiped across the floor constantly. i’m careful to not get it on my sheets, not that it’d matter anyway. as i’m examining my feet, i hear a phone ring from the other room.. my stomach drops, and suddenly i’m back squatting on the floor, back to the grey mass, this time with unexplainable tears.

something i’ve been thinking about is clothing and presentation. (￣ヘ￣) i’ve been wearing the same hand-me-downs from my older brothers and mom for probably a decade now. i wear vintage every day, but not in the cool, socially-liked way. in the, 40 year old basement way. idk, i haven’t really gotten too much of my own clothes and when i do, it’s usually pajama sets or a single piece of clothing that doesn’t go with anything else in my wardrobe- usually pretty strange shirts or socks. like, i’ve been collecting different patterned and colored tights for a long time but never have tried to wear them with anything, because i know they don’t go with anything; which in itself is a “look”, but it’s not something i’ve actually gone through with (mostly due to laziness of actually putting on tights and clothes in general…)

but really, the main reason why these days i haven’t tried with my clothes much despite interest in fashion, is that i feel that it doesn’t represent me. like, if i am not really doing well in school, or struggling, whatever it is, why would i get dressed? it’s like im lying or something, it doesn’t present myself in a way that feels anything but fake. and typically, i feel like i am not at my full potential/meeting expectations, so why would i present as if i am?

another reason for no clothing prospects revolves around one of my bigger goals in the present: to lose weight and gain a bit of leg, shoulder/back muscle. i haven’t bought clothes in a while because i don’t want to waste money due to the decrease in size i’ll have. working out should be doable since i’m steady on my meds now/off some that cause weight gain. i’ll begin working out over the summer (i’ve already started! it’s going fine).

fun cam fact: i have a difficult to explain issue regarding the bones/muscle including and near my right scapula and i have to work out that area to pad it out, to see if it helps build muscle so the bones don’t scrape each other, as they currently do when i move my arm up and down. and i really only have now to it, so i am. but, holy shit it is a horrible feeling. imagine feeling your bones inside your back rubbing and making loud creaking. bleh--- (＞﹏＜)... . . .

as for types of clothes- if i had to label what i like, i’ve been into mori kei(yama)-adjacent clothing from afar for a pretty long time(attached images show mori kei style). i actually made a whole village in acnh (before deleting it) dedicated to the aesthetic qualities found in mori kei. too bad i don’t have many pictures of that..

a long term fantasy of mine is that i would have a wardrobe full of clothes that are both comfortable and that i aesthetically enjoy. a lot of clothes that look cool are just straight up not worth the sensory issues they cause. and as for my closet right now, i have very few clothes that are proper “me”. i wear like 7 different baggy tshirts, 3 sweatpants, and 3 short skirts only at the moment. i think a big shirt and small skirt with maybe a hoodie and typically a baseball cap is a quintessential cam energy- it probably always will be until im old and get shamed out of it. but i want more interesting skirts, layers, tights, hats.. basically, i like the fundamental built of what i have but want more patterns, colors, textures. clothes are a form of expression of who someone is, inherently. and though, what i wear now is a pretty good expression of me.. it lacks a bit. i’d like the opportunity to have fun in the action of choosing clothes, matching. and i think i have a good idea of what to get for that to be possible. (mori-ish inspired by early 2000s jfashion but a bit darker, autumn colors, and maybe some mix of skate/street attributes).

also, something i definitely want to get into later in life is sewing. and i think for mori-type clothes, it’s definitely a bit more doable since the style typically has looser garments. particularly things like patchwork would be fun.. i think, plus i’ve always loved patchwork. maybe i like it so much because my grandma made me a quilt when i was a baby but my mom never let me use it because it was special to her(?lol), so i always just looked at it from a distance rather than becoming used to it up close. never took it for granted.

anyways, mori kei represents a down to earth, amongst nature way of life, which is something i identify with at a super core level, but that i do not engage with these days. i idolize it. farm life, hiking, anti-fad.

the other side of my interests(that kinda contradicts the other)- video games, manga/anime, nostalgia from my childhood- and the side that i actually have quite a few clothing items pertaining to is cyber(ish) 90-2000s semi-techy leisurewear and athletic wear. in particular i own a lot, but don’t wear- anymore- a strict white, grey, lilac color palette. it was a severe phase to buy these clothes. i purchased legit any sportswear i could find that was white or light grey. i wore it a bit back home like 6 years ago, but got annoyed by getting asked questions about it. a lot of people wear black every day, not a lot wear white every day. and i dont want to have to converse or acknowledge people regarding my own clothes that often, i guess.
we’ll see. clothes and presentation definitely aren’t at a high level of importance to me at the moment. i’ve got other stuff going on. it’s kinda something i’ve always viewed as something i’ll go hard in on once i’m stable in a job, successful, happier, yadda yadda. that goes for most monetarily reliant hobbies i want to engage in. (b ᵔ▽ᵔ)b pretty reasonable, i reckon. what is Not reasonable is wearing the same shirt that i have built a unhealthy attachment to, everyday

i’ve been trying to distract myself from anxiety and problems that cannot be solved at the moment, both internally and otherwise. even though i’ve been trying to distract myself, cope if you will, it’s proving difficult to properly engage in coping, due to school being over.. as well as a powerful wave of depression that hit me ~2 weeks ago. the kind where you feel like your energy is constantly being depleted. it feels as if some mysteriously evil tube is attached to my soul. not even enough energy and far too anxious to eat much. where is the energy going? maybe my amorphous energy dust is being swept off to someone in the universe that needs it more right now..

but really, my brain is so fucking fried. the only actual “activities” i’ve been able to do are list making, sorting pictures, and photoshop masking objects out of magazines. even forceful rethinking only helps the future me, not me now- which is usually my go to regardless. really, the most i can force is a, “you did a little today, thats good. you’ll be better soon.” and though i recognize it as undeniably true.. it doesn’t really soothe the pit of loneliness i feel in my chest.

cognitive awareness of reality doesn’t automatically fix somatic symptoms of a deeply dysregulated nervous system. i think that clinging to cognition(only) is an unrealistic way to approach a standing situation. it doesn’t hurt the situation though. understanding what is, has helped me in numerous ways, that i wouldn’t be able to properly parse out through language.

vague side thought: i guess my heart is too tender at times, too hopeful. recently, hope had caused me to fly too close to the sun lol. my body is paying the price for that with this lagged depression, maybe. just a theory. adult hope being crushes is another thing that attempts to rip childlikeness away from me, and yet i cling to it still. i’m not quite ready for the reality of some things. i’m too fragile and unrealistic, for now. i want to be soothed, just for a day. i want someone to tell me that they care, even if i know it. someone to be around me. most people want attention in some form- i might have a lesser need for it, but it is still there. the desire bubbles up when i feel old wounds open up suddenly. only natural.

sigh. hopefully this bout of depression end up in something interesting for the site. that is, the culmination of lists and collections. we’ll see. at least i only napped once today. at least i worked on commissions for some hours today. tomorrow will be better in some small way because of that. it must be (˙꒳˙ ).. i am grateful for a lot. so long as i am, i’ll be alright i think. but man i am feeling bad rn!
p.s. the song i chose for this entry really describes my emotions well. it's oddly hopeful, but has interjections of something like anxious, daunting almost. there is a constant flow to it, but no real direction somehow. i like it

floating peacefully, from minamiise in mie prefecture, taimi (たいみー)! is a clumsy and friendly hybrid creature.. of all things of their town, minamiise, in mie prefecture. born in minamiise’s “heart cove”, to a mandarin orange mother and a sea bream father. fun fact their parents names are taitaro and mitan..=taimi.

taimi’s face is an orange, after his mother and his body is a sea bream, after his father. with his tummy symbolizing heart cove, it’s clear the town had a clear vision on creating a personal story for taimi while also showcasing the town's goods. they even have a pdf with cute illustrations showing how they were born lmao. someone got really excited to make taimi, that makes me happy.

my favorite part of looking into this character was all the weird emojis they made for it. baller taimi is my personal favorite…who knew he had it like that. dunking on..? if you want the other kinda strange emojis, here you go.

oh also.. i happened upon a japanese artist designing 5th grader characters/uniforms inspired by local mascots of towns. and taimi was one of them! super cute idea. if only school uniforms were actually interesting.. though i guess that partially defeats the purpose of a uniform. actually, that reminds me of a time when i was in elementary- we had uniforms- and i wore a shirt with stripes (against uniform policy) and had to change into some lost and found shirt. which i found pretty upsetting at the time because it was a new shirt i had just got. didn’t know about the rule v_v… i think my general personality was a lot more distracting than fucking stripes, but y’know.

sorry about that ramble. next up is toba and topatty (トーバ・トパティ) from toba city.. also in mie prefecture! (⁀ᗢ⁀) yes, taimi and these bun siblings are neighbors.

designed by mitsuru hattori, a manga artist from toba(known for writing sankarea), these two are meant to be the top and bottom buns of a local burger “toburger” (とばーがー). apparently, toba is well known for their burgers- having 18 different burgers they claim as being toburgers lol. and you might’ve noticed.. they don’t look just like burger buns.. and you’d be right- they are meant to resemble dugongs! though dugongs are not native to the waters near toba, i think dugongs were chosen to represent toba’s aquarium. which is one of the city’s main attractions, as well as a general sea-life motif. looking into the aquarium itself.. it’s sorta suspicious. but, well, most are so it’s not notably horrible to animal welfare or anything.

anyways, dugongs are one of my favorite animals, so i’m really happy to have come across these guys. hopefully nobody is eating them in the toburger. also, here is this video of toba and topatty dancing to call me maybe, a decade ago. it made me giggle. pretty peculiar, in a cute way.

lastly, and definitely the strangest of this post is mukaron (むかろん) of mukawa, located in iburi, a subprefecture of hokkaido.

to celebrate mukawa’s 10th anniversary, the town asked elementary school students to submit ideas for the mascot. the mukawa we see was chosen from hundreds of designs.. very special. his design incorporates more local goods/aspects than the average town mascot. the most important part of his design being his head, the hobetsu melon- which locals are very proud of. as for the thing biting his head, which he doesn’t seem to mind, i believe that it is a dinosaur. a long-necked dinosaur, possibly aquatic? unsure, but mukawa seems to be famous for its fossils- they have the largest full body dinosaur remains in japan, as well as a museum dedicated to the fossils found there.

the most subtle details of his design include his bag, made of lettuce, which holds a couple of raw dried shishamo fish, which the town is also known for. and finally, his favorite shirt which has a dandelion pattern on it, meant to represent a local park,“dandelion park”. which i think is a super cute idea for clothing!

when looking into mukawa and mukaron, i found their charming youtube channel which is run by the mukawa town board of education with the goal of educating on topics regarding the town’s industry, history, and citizen’s lives. they call the youtube segments “mukawa studies” (むかわ学).. it’s pretty wholesome. with that being said, they haven’t uploaded in a year and their last video is some dude making carbonara. why? idk.(・・ ) ?

to those who read all this, thanks! and to those interested in jp mascots.. there will be more research on the topic to come.

a situation that was pretty upsetting occurred last month, so i’ve been not posting and grinding schoolwork. i’m feeling just a bit better now- hopeful of my surroundings.. while simultaneously feeling significantly more apathetic towards everything. it’s like my care/effort is thrown off a cliff when i am emotionally exhausted with something. i assume that is fairly normal but it’s a fruitless coping mechanism. parallel to that dullness, im feeling the overwhelming urge to isolate myself from all people so i can protect my peace within a wider, quieter distance. people are really complex and i fear being a net negative to the world. |_・) i always feel this way, really. i get over that urge to isolate eventually, really only acting on it a couple times when i was a teenager (worst being a whole year!) hormones, childhood, something or another. the feelings or lack of are fairly managed, but felt nonetheless.

i would say all this stuff, school, situation, sickness has kind of knocked me out from exhaustion. i feel very vulnerable, hopefully nobody prys into my little hole in the tree that i lay on for now. i'll come out on my own and be ready to eat again. day by day i get closer.^^

suppose i won’t really write more on this, i’ve written enough(too much) and talked in therapy enough about the specific situation. it’s too personal and fresh anyhow. i’ve landed on the good ol’, learning how to access emotional depth and have humility takes maximum cognitive effort, more or just as much as experiential effort can teach you. and y’know, it really is a cognitive choice, people seem to think things like that are like some magical beam from the sky- it’s not. it may seem like it, but it always takes active work and focusing on positive reinforcement to do anything that isn't shit in life. people won’t fix you, you are the problem :3!- and anything that denies that, denies possible learning. blah blah blah, obvious shit. just have to remind myself, especially right now.

but really, kind of separate from things, i’m just realizing how much emotion does drive any meaningfully lasting action. if you are a fairly emotionally stunted person like myself, inherently there is not much of a drive for anything. just lingering inadequacy anxiety that is present in my genes, but not enough of an emotion attached to that anxiety to push me to really do anything or confront change, not yet. i’m happypilled these days, tbd.

i’m so drained from typing in my personal journal. thats most of what i’ve been stuck doing in my freetime within the past month. too anxious to stop, for now. anyways, i would like to become a barnacle on a turtle's back!! i’ll update soon on lighter topics. i must drown myself in them first.
p.s. simplification of website to come~ once i’m feeling better ><

this april, like last april- i feel so incredibly unmotivated to do my school work. i feel like 95% of my friendships revolving mostly around playing games as a group activity, is the downfall(tbd) of any chance i had for the long run in college. well.. of course it isn’t the video games themselves, but the underlying issue. obsessing over comfort. i’ve become overly accustomed to safe, low effortpleasure seeking that i cannot fathom any alternative where not doing the painful thing is worth it, even if it has an overwhelmingly positive benefit. which has an even deeper underlying issue of depression and dissociation/early internet access.

i feel as though my issues with accomplishing anything lasting are somehow all related to the unexplainable feeling that i am not real. rarely ever do i feel like i am a being living in the present(only on a few occasions). (・・;)ゞ

tangent: it’s funny- to my understanding the overwhelming majority of people emotionally view others as lesser-than, in some way, at their core. not in a necessarily harmful way, but being yourself you ought to feel more connected to your existence than others’. for me, at a base level, i’ve felt disconnected to that core feeling..if that makes sense. when i see someone, i, without thought, assume they are more “alive” than i am due to my frequent state of derealization. something like that.

of course, the fact that i am even writing about this is extremely human of me and emphasizes the humanness of me. regardless, that fact remains unappreciated, as inhumanness is just a feeling of mine and feelings intrinsically do not contain logic.

i guess it could boil down to, didn’t develop a proper instinct towards securing life. i am getting some kind of realization though.. slowly, on how to accomplish that.

well! thats enough babbling for now. in other happenings, i’m writing the code for my website update i plan to do this summer. i dont really like how this site looks like anymore. i want everything to look a little more similar as well : P. so i’m thinking about that and writing down a lot of ideas. mostly, i’d like my site to be more japanese summer themed than wii/misc themed. which is pretty funny for anyone who knows me, i’m fairly opposite from summer-like things and generally hate actually being around the summer. but i really enjoy the energy from afar/in my screen.
i have many positive nostalgic memories of childhood in island areas, humid, sunny ٩(｡•́‿•̀｡)۶

recently i’ve been kind of getting back into lost ark. and for those who don’t know, lost ark is a korean mmo. i really enjoy the layering of objects in the world, i think thats legitimately 80% of the reason i play; to just look around. the people who did the world decorating really did what they had to do lol. {{ (>_<) }} i feel kind of lacking in good body feeling when i play the game though. its both addicting but feels terrible the entire way through. thats just korean grindy mmo tho. it makes me feel kinda sick after a little bit, in my stomach. like im kinda gonna puke. but ya know.. thats how it goes. maybe. maybe, i am not meant for mmos at all, because i definitely dont feel this way with shooters.

on top of the queasy, my neck hurts so bad from being on the computer for long stretches of time. its hard to get up when you’re mid-story. i’m on the computer all day regularly, but usually i get up to stretch, lift weights, lay on my bed extremely often to maintain focus.

on and unrelated note, midterms for my semester came out and i am not failing anything so.. woohoo . .? i feel like i definitely should be failing some classes. i haven’t really been putting in as much work as i could. i hate drawing, and thats everything. yeah, i chose to get a bfa in a particular major the requires it. i liked drawing back then, i don’t now. and i thought it was a thing of “i don’t like these subjects”, but it’s not. all my classes now are subjects i want to pursue as a career (in theory) but i cannot for the life of me do anything. i just want to lay in bed and read.

i’ll leave this on a positive note because i’m always a hater. my friend and i went on a walk near the campus into the forested area. it’s fairly untouched outside of mountain bikers. it was healing, i love trees. i’ll leave a picture from that. ┐(￣ヘ￣;)┌

happy first day of spring everyone! early this time around ^v^/ ~

some uncool people say it is time for spring cleaning and attempting to do our best to shed harbored negativity(winter)- or at least “pursue”(lol) wanting to shed negativity. i give into these uncool people. i’m feeling like i possibly want to shed my social contribution to negativity(by like 5 pts maybe). i pathetically thrive (socially) in hater culture. especially during days like today. earlier, in a group-critique situation, i noticed that i was having a real hard time coming up with topics that don’t revolve around jokes to ease the pressure of a room or harsh negatives that i harp on. and even though my attempt is to freshen the air a bit, i feel like i can’t rely on anything else outside of the realm of bitter unseriousness. how do i stop though? euuugh, ヽ( `д´*)ノ who wants to be around someone like that all the time! bitch, you aren't 1st grade class clown anymore (mad)

like, on the cam front- new ideas?.. i’m all out before i could get a fucking foot in the door. when it comes to others, it feels could list off a billion ways they could fix something, but as soon as i try to do it for myself my brain self-detonates, leaving me with nothing. and in that nothing leaving me with very little ability to improve anything. mainly art. but, thankfully, i really desire to improve that.

tangentially- i have always lacked imagination. as a child, i never wanted or was able to “play pretend”. play-pretend was like a self-shaming, hurtful mental exercise for me. it was like the itchiest sweater in the world; yeah, it looks cool but you want to rip your skin off, so it isn’t worth it. the world stimulates me too much as is.. i don’t need to go and add to it. on the contrary though..i’m sure i would have already solved some of my problems around stimulation.. if i gained some imaginative skills to soothe myself. is that something people can develop? am i too old?

anyways, before bed. i ate major shit on stairs today in front of a group of people, scraped my knee and rolled my ankle. my friend tried to catch me(good luck with that). all because of these evil little brown orbs that fall from the trees. i dont know what they are, but what i do know is that they are my government ops. thats all. praise spring!

karma got me for what i last posted.. too edgy, i guess. tuesday was easily the worst day so far this year, not even sure much could match it. apparently, there is this thing called positional vertigo that old people get. it is quite uncommon for people my age to experience it.. and it sounds extremely fake. the description of the disorder(?) is something regarding these tiny crystals in your middle ear getting displaced. ▓▒░(°◡°)░▒▓ yeah, right. my theory is that i rolled back and forth so abruptly in bed that i mini-damaged my head, causing the crystals(lol) to move out of place.

well.. anyways, had that crystal mishap for 2 days before i started freaking out, i’m known to overreact to symptoms of any kind. and as i’m writing this i’m feeling disturbed even thinking of the day- so, all i’ll say is i was hobbling alone to the drugstore in the head..in a sweater, i felt like i was going to vomit every second, i could hear my eyes move, and got sick just from trying to read the medication sheet. really terrible. i’m fine now, so i’ll assume i was kindly abducted by some friendly aliens looking to re-align human’s ear minerals. thank you aliens.

a positive thing is that it has been very windy where i am. when i was younger, i hated the wind more than anything. my room was right next to a giant, like.. 250 ft tree that would creak and howl. i was always so scared of it falling. thankfully, now i don’t have to attempt sleep-state while scared of a tree crashing into me. instead, i’m able to enjoy the rustling of the leaves, or the movement of the sheer sheet i laid over my window.

i put the sheet, or tapestry, or whatever it is- up to prevent people from getting a good look into my window, without fully obstructing light i could get in the day. my monitor faces out towards a street below me. and i highly doubt people can see anything other than my ceiling. but, well, i’ve always been sensitive to things like that, i really cant stand the idea of anyone seeing me be a degenerate on my computer at all hours of the day. yet, looking into windows is one of my most favorite things to do. it’s always been nice peering near the end of the day. not in a stalker way.... just in an absent-mindedly curious way, from afar, of course. it’s comforting. ╮(︶︿︶)╭

something interesting is how little people care about others looking into the window. especially in well-off suburbs. you’d think they’d be more paranoid about that sort of thing, considering they are in the suburbs, but these people are obsessed with their large windows and natural light. if i can see the entirety the first floor from 20ft away from your house, there is a problem. somehow i’m more uncomfortable seeing that space, than they are- the owners!

i didn’t have a set idea of what i want to talk about so i’ll just ramble on about whatever is on my mind- without reaching the parts of my mind that are really taking a toll on me recently

the topic occupying my brain for the past hour or so is thinking about how agonized i feel when others refer to “society” as a separate entity from themselves. particularly, in my classes. it’s like they didn’t even know they could reevaluate the notion of freewill; and to maybe..with enough work, let go of whatever addiction they have with trying to break free of the inevitable: freewill and individuality being more obscured than they’d like.

to uphold the notion of “them”(society) vs “me” is really to want to rank yourself above the very thing you uphold without even trying and (likely)flourish within, or at least have the capacity to. we work our job of just being and reap the benefits of that simplicity (not simple thanks to cognition and uncontrollable variables). not that this is something you ought be grateful for. i just think its a common hypocrisy. and i happen to be annoyed when others express it, to an unreasonable extent ^^’

the general self-sabotaging and albeit addicting attempt to strip our agency by way of blaming “the” media or systems that are made up of thousands, millions, billions is so fucking boring. the average person refuses to stop their perceived status of control feed linguistically into that which they are complaining of. and i’m not saying that having a desire to escape what is, in principle, is bad, but taking it to the extreme of “we are controlled” feeds into whatever one is morally against, most likely. once you voice the delusion of control upon yourself, it becomes real in the way it feeds into whatever system you are discussing.

i really doubt any of this is even readable and sounds reddit/pretentious. i’m so sleepy..sorry = ; ｪ ; =

march, while in school, feels like constant monday mornings- the uphill walk that you know wont have a peak soon enough. i can’t enjoy the month properly, in the way i want to. and though i’m not a big fan of holidays, i am a fan of quietly taking pleasure in the continual variation months bring. it’s as if solstices’ and equinox are legitimate enough for me to not feel silly celebrating, not that anyone knows- nobody can see this celebration of mine. even reading this couldn’t penetrate that. the situation is best this way.

celebrating alone in small ways like spending time thinking about the subject more deliberately fills me with a great deal of joy. planning for these micro-observations will always be fun for me, decorating(physically and virtually) will always be fun for me too- so long as it is just for me, not expected of me by others… of course.

in other happening for the beginning of march, i am still depressed. i’ve noticed my brain is bouncing between constant self-criticizing/trying to rectify and punish perceived lapses in the other side of my brain that is on autopilot.. and truthfully just trying to stay around long enough to escape the depression. and in some way.. this celebration of months or seasons is a way for my brain to escape self and to enjoy what just is, if that makes sense.

the problem is that i view myself as a person, who is expected to live a certain way, to function a certain way. i cannot just do, nobody really can. maybe a select few have accomplished this, but there will always be an overarching touch of another human that sways you in one direction or another. and when i take in nature, like laying on the ground while feeling the environment with all my senses, it’s as close as i can get to meditation- which is otherwise impossible due to my intransigent nature towards such things.

my soul is at peace when i'm disconnected from self. even if it is only for a few minutes and hardly ever, if at all in a year, that feeling can momentarily heal a part of you. remembering that feeling of equilibrium is the only way i have ever had any desire for the physical. i would be dead otherwise.

in the last 4 weeks or so, i’ve fallen back into my depression. games, overeating, avoiding outdoors, napping, and standing in the shower. most likely driven by the low-self esteem i’ve been feeling about my body. it’s as if i am numbing my brain by droning into whatever relatively mindless thing to forget that i can never escape my body, so long as i’m living. ^v^

something that has been forcing me to be better is actual fear being injected in my veins by one of my teachers, threatening to drop me from the course if i don’t make up work in 3 weeks (generous). and if i am dropped i lose my scholarship due to credit issues. i am minorly forced to wake up just a little from my gloomy month long nap. money is about as imaginary as something can be while also being the most substantial thing we humans have and revolve around. i’d like to save a x2 increase on money, which will mostly make my dad sad. which is the ultimate crime, above murder, for my avatar.

on top of the depression, i’ve been waking up much later due to overly-intense dreams, mostly. which i believe i’ve heard is positive sign of quality sleep, as it indicates you can get through the sleep cycle enough to dream. someone close to me has said the opposite. who knows. all i know is that i’ve been remembering multiple dreams, which is strange for me. and as someone who wakes up multiple times a night, i presume the active dreams aren’t really serving me well.

getting extraordinarily drowsy at 6pm is not enjoyable. i feel geriatric. i’m honestly struggling to even type stuff, my brain is deteriorating as i go on…

(＠_＠) i’ve been waking up with throbbing headaches every day for over a week now. for two of the days i tried to sleep longer to see if i just need more rest. didn’t help. i don’t even know why i tried that, when i have a good idea of what it was. that being my lack of awareness for how hard im forcing my eyeballs on my screen and straining them. the added on aspect that i am a hermit/light averse.. certainly does not help my situation at all. i’m in a losing situation for my eye health, which is a losing situation for my brain’s tolerance of strenuous zoning.

it’s still a bit strange that these headaches have been everyday- considering i haven’t particularly changed anything i am doing in regards to sleeping or getting uv exposure. it’s funny, i used to never get headaches when i was a kid. the only time i would experience something even similar to a headache is “brain freeze”. is that a headache? well, anyways, the headaches i’ve been having are dreadful, to say the least. all i desire is to figure out a way to stop them without having to change my habits. big ask, i know. impossible, probably, yes. going against probability and empirical data on health to avoid change! clearly, i am the apex of intelligence folks!! (≧▽≦)/

thing is, i feel bad going outside since my schooling involves my entire setup to some extent and/or internet at all times. so, when i go outside i feel unbearably guilty afterwards.

instead of proud of myself for breaking out of the obviously detrimental tendency of mine to not exit my house, i just ruminate on how little i’m doing towards my schoolwork. it’s novel that i go outside at all. in fact, taking out the trash once a week(or less) is typically the only time i go outside; granted i don’t have class or anything. with that being said, i wish to change that eventually.

and overall i do want to change it less for the positive effects it would have on my physical and mental health, but more selfishly, i'm undeniably in love with certain aspects of the outdoors. i’ve felt the most at peace while i am in nature, particularly in the woods. laying adjacent to a forest, without any human-made sounds has been some of the only times i have not felt anxious in some capacity.

that’s all i can type before falling asleep, it's late(11:23). (*_ _)人 time to down some advil and agonize over the pain being unbudgingly withdrawn causes to my psyche. (i fell asleep after this and forgot to post)

happy valentines day~

i feel like the grinch on valentines, i have rejected or given away almost every gift i’ve gotten on valentines day. all because i hate sweets. dark chocolate is pretty much all i’ll enjoy.

in adulthood, i haven't been one to celebrate the holiday or give it much thought at all. my parents send me treats or stuffed animals every year. my mom just enjoys festivities and buying things, i don’t look into it beyond that.

(￣ ￣|||) in all honesty, the holiday just stresses me out. an example being when my mom sends me something, i feel obligated to send her something that implies fondness back. i don’t dislike her how i used to.. i don’t want to feel pressured to express anything, unless it comes naturally to me.

a topic i’ve touched on before in my therapy entry is that i have a particularly hard time verbally expressing my feelings or memories- and more often than not, i get so stressed trying to verbalize said feelings that i end up saying something rude out of desperation to get the situation over with. so, that's a whole additional factor involving intimacy presented on valentines that isn’t ideal for me or anyone involved with me.

i will say.. it’s a little uncharacteristic of myself that i don’t do anything on valentines. one thing about me is that i particularly enjoy giving homemade(this word makes me feel sick for some reason) things to my partner. whether that be cooking, drawing, letters, so on. so, it’s fair to assume that i’d give into the holiday as an excuse to do so, and yet. funnily, i haven’t had the opportunity to give gifts to the full extent of my natural inclination, due to my recent partner not particularly wanting anything/desiring anything. which.. is beneficial thing for my pockets. (￣▽￣*)ゞ

other than that, i am enjoying stretching today. be well all. and don’t feel alone for valentines day, not for the obvious, “it’s fake” ..but because you’re never alone. look behind u! ah!

..・ヾ(。＞＜)シ to escape other things, i’ve decided to write about something that takes minimal thought or energy. that being my enjoyed shower+scent products.

i may delete this as something about telling strangers about my scents, feels too personal. yet, i have no issue writing about my mental psychological challenged. funny, how that works.

cam's human skin stats: i am quite a dry-skinned human. so, i can’t imagine anything i use to be interesting for those with oily skin. additionally, my skin is extremely sensitive. my skin is so weak it will weep after warm showers. and if you didn’t think that was enough, i am also allergic to zinc oxide. which is commonly in sunscreens. which, major problem with that being.. sunscreen is the most harm-reductant skin care product. i’m fighting on the line of looking like casper the ghost or a blanched tomato at all times.

in any case, i believe that the modern obsession of “skin care” we are seeing- is major poop-shoot trickery. in most cases these skin care rituals seem more harmful than not; for your pockets and face. nobody on earth needs a 6-8 step skin care “routine”. in my opinion, all a human really needs for adequate skin is sunscreen, moisturizer, and a gentle cleanser. (assuming one does not have a serious skin condition)

i prefer to do my face washing in the shower. i hate bending over the sink and getting water everywhere; amongst the faint smell of black mold in my fucking sink ^_^. i recommend for all those who do wash their face in the shower, to shampoo before your face cleaning. if shampoo/conditioner is applied after face washing, the shampoo often will leave residue in your pores which can create a build-up on the surface. it can also irritate your skin after you've essentially stripped it of some natural oils.

anyway, for face cleaning i used to use korres’ greek “yoghurt”(-_-)’ foaming cleanser and randomly switched to kracie’s naive face wash w/ green tea scent (via my mom’s recommendation). i prefer the latter overall- it’s cheaper, more gentle, and removes excess oil without drying you out. the only downside being kracie is significantly harder to find than korres products. this is most likely because kracie is a japanese brand with very little promotion in the west, whereas korres is a popular brand in the states, where i am. the greek yoghurt cleanser is still a really great option nonetheless.

next in the routine!(yikes) is shampoo. i have dermatitis issues so i use a very specific shampoo most days to combat that. obviously, do not use this shampoo before talking to a doctor about it, because it would just be a waste of money. without further adp, worlds favorite shampoo for flakey girls!!..: nizoral anti-dandruff w/ 1% ketoconazole! the big word at the end of that is short for “highest amount of this fancy chemical that eats skin that we can put into products without it becoming prescription :P” ..yeah. on days when i’m feeling particularly sexy i’ll ask my dermatologist to prescribe me 2% ketoconazole shampoo.
nizoral shampoo does work wonders by the way, but the non-otc 2% is noticeably better.

when my scalp isn't misbehaving, i like to use 2 shampoo products. for semi-daily use i like verbs’s volume shampoo. verb shampoo leaves my hair feeling turbo soft and hydrated without having to abuse my witch serums (;;;*_*).. the other shampoo i use less-frequently, but semi-regularly (maybe once a week), is pura d’or anti-thinning biotin shampoo. this shampoo feels.. fine, i have no substantial complaints about the formula, considering i use it for more tactical purposes. however, i have complaints about the stank it produces. it’s tea tree scented. a lot of people are into tea tree(freaks).. so if you’re a balding girl and love the smell of lice-repellant on your cranium, proceed with excitement. me, personally, not a major fan- but we do what we must.
i don’t use conditioner, i have short hair. and don't care.

next, fuck bar soap and everyone who uses it(if you do the dove bar soap thing, you are an exception). body wash, ONLY!! my current body wash is kracie’s naive peach body wash. it’s a complete coincidence that it matches my cleanser. it does make me feel like a pinterest girl though lol. it’s mild in smell, with a slight fruity/sweet tone.

sometimes when i feel extra gross, i'll apply a body scrub. do i think it does much of anything? no. am i scared it’s gonna get stuck in my pores and kill me when im 40? yes. regardless, i genuinely enjoy tree hut’s tahitian vanilla bean scrub shea sugar scrub. the little vanilla beans make me feel akin to sweet treats. unfortunately, i am anything but.

lastly(ish), i use the esteemed neutrogena hydroboost lotion for skin and face, right after a shower(important.) gaslighting as a tactic is valid if used for the purpose/in an attempt to get more people to use hydroboost; and to get people off cetaphil. i could write a whole other entry about how disgusting cetaphil products are. i felt compelled to add that somewhere, somehow.

and for when my skin is utterly arid i use kiehl’s ultra facial moisturizer. this product is robbery. seriously though, this product is quite expensive. i make the investment because it’s the only heavy-duty lotion that has worked and hasn’t caused me to break out in hives (×_×)⌒☆

as for perfume, i’m not really a user. i own one super shitty perfume that i deploy when i’m feeling particularly feminine. this thing is so shitty that it isn’t even on fragrantica , ..lol.. like, there are 0 pictures of this product online. the mysterious scent in question being anthropologie’s coco blossom eau de parfum. anthropologie’s website describes it as, “cedarwood and musk with notes of orange blossom and jasmine, topped off with citrusy tangerine and lemon (SPICE)” which sounds insanely unappealing to me on premise. it’s alright though. sexy older woman-smelling. not very fitting for my person, but hey. SPICE SPICE SPICE.
that is all! for whoever read all this. ٩(｡•́‿•̀｡)۶ here is a gold star: ★

this semester i am taking 4 courses instead of 6, unsure how i took 6 before now. i feel completely shit even at 4. my distinct lack of desire for social interaction does not pair well with college. and it pairs even more complicatedly with my inclination towards competition. those two traits of mine, of course, contradict themselves. figuring that out now.

i haven’t been outside to interact with peers since the winter break started over a month ago. something i’ve been having notable issues with in my first days back is staring. people haven’t actively brought up an issue with my staring, since all my classmates know me pretty well. and actually, until my later years of high school, i truly didn’t know staring was something that i did, as i wasn’t innately aware of what constitutes staring; i’m still not sure fully. but, a conversation somehow came up in my senior year of high school about staring. i joined in by saying something along the lines of, “what even is staring?” which wasn’t really answered before my friend in class said, “yeah, cam stares a lot,” to which everyone else chimed in. that conversation wasn’t too embarrassing, since i feel zero social contact impact from staring, but i certainly began policing myself more on that since then. i am both grateful for it because I a) don’t want to 'scare the hoes,' so to speak, and b) prefer being in the know for these sorts of things.

from what i've read, most people's experience with staring is that it causes a rise in emotion, which can be varying degrees of negative or positive, but almost always intense. typically, people feel anxious from the looming pressure of a stare. obviously, i do not share that sentiment, lol. i do not stare to intimidate people or to prove that i take up space. honestly, i'm not even trying to take in detail, since i think that is a deliberate act, and my natural state of looking around is not. since high school, i've become aware of when i do it, and i'm getting faster at breaking out of staring as well. this is beneficial for the people i am possibly making uncomfortable, but for me, it's been rather uncomfortable to question my eye contact or where to position my head. thinking so critically about my eye movement causes me a lot of internal distress.

eye contact is meant to symbolize a connection between people, that you are paying attention to them, mostly. showing that you reciprocate their eye-contact in mutuality is considered respectful, apparently. the rules behind when to break eye contact or to engage in it are difficult to grasp for a lot of people. understanding eye contact rules isn’t something you can ever fully comprehend if you didn’t naturally take to that socialization as a child. despite this, people still manage to be perceived as someone who does understand the rules, regardless of whether they truly do or not.

for me, i either feel more comfortable zoning in on someone's eyes, or they are distinctly boring in their overall posturing, which causes me to look elsewhere. in that case, i do not engage in eye contact at all, unless that little voice tells me I should (for politeness' sake). both scenarios are adequately comfortable for me. and honestly, i do not truly care if my nature is comfortable for the other party. but!!, i want to be perceived as someone who does care, since it benefits me in the end. so, i put in that little effort to moderate the eye-breakage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

other than that being on my mind, I just finished watching the new hunger games movie, the ballad of songbirds & snakes. i’ve read and sort of disliked all the hunger games books. the super broad concept isn't something i take issue with; i think it's quite fun, actually. however, YA writing was never my thing. this newer movie wasn't as awful as the later movies within the hunger games series. it's hard to make a worse movie than mockingjay 1 & 2 ^_^.. if anything stood out, it was the costuming, particularly volumnia gaul's (viola davis) lightweight red-to-cream ombre coat with standout red latex gloves. it was a great choice to emphasize bloody opulence while still showcasing her medicinal proclivity. the mixing of glossy and matte textures is always fun when pulled off.

story-wise, the ballad of songbirds & snakes falls a bit flat. that isn't something I really need to point out, is it? everyone and their grandma can assume a young adult story, especially after being adapted into a movie, is somewhat predictable. with that being said, some small bit of story i did appreciate snow's turn towards self-preservation and victory, interposed among his budding relationship with a 'lesser' member of society. the romance itself is pretty standard, but I do like the contrast that this development proposes. i have a specific preference, take that as you will.
rating like 3/10. hunter schafer so pretty..+0.5 just for that, 3.5/10 (≧◡≦) ♡

i’ve always been fascinated with “shoe-box apartments”, well, just tiny living spaces in general. when i was young i'd often watch my brother play video games on the wii or ps2. child cam watched less for the gameplay and more to make him look at mysterious nooks and crannies, to imagine how someone could live there, how i could live there. little spaces were my first and most, still today the only passionate interest i've held onto. back then i didn’t understand escapism, but i often sat with a natural desire to be elsewhere. i was without desire to express this to anyone and no knowledge of the underlying meaning behind my fascination.

by far the most abnormal characteristic of my personality at a young age was my inability and general disinterest to play pretend/create. funny, considering escapism is play pretend on a base level. my circumstantial difference being, i had to physically see these low-poly spaces to be able to lightly envision anything in my head and even at that. at most i'd fantasize about sitting in these places, not necessarily interacting or adding to the virtual suroundings i had imported into my head.

i called these desolate little areas in video games “clubhouses”- for lack of a better word. 2/3rds of my nostalgic memories revolve around being in my home basement, dark and cold, wandering endlessly in video games to find “clubhouses”. once i found one i would rock back and forth to soothe myself, while looking at the area. doing that brought me a profound sense of calmness when i was an otherwise very anxious kid. side note: i remember the basement was so cold my nose would be bright red when i finally decided to go upstairs. i wasn’t supposed to stay down there for too long because of the mold, but i don’t think i grasped how bad mold inhalation could be, so i payed no mind (◡‿◡ *)

my primary game of choice to explore was tony hawk’s american wasteland. a large part of the tony hawk games are meant to serve the search for unique areas to skate on. so, of course being able to both skate, which made the process easier, and the fact that the game had tons of empty nooks, it was a good pick for exploration. most people doing that back then mostly did it to find easter eggs. i, of course didn’t really care about the easter eggs, it was more about if the space felt intrinsically relaxing to me.

other favorites of my childhood were legend of zelda:twilight princess and wind waker. these games are much easier to actually reference locations, compared to tony hawk games. both because of relative popularity and more pointed labeling. i think i’ll make a separate journal entry or full page for places in games that i felt a strong connection to as a kid, even some i obsessed over, still some i think about regularly (like faron spring in twilight princess)

for now, thats all i wanted to write. and shoutout to tony hawk games for playing a big part in ensuring i didn't have boring music taste as a kid :P (minus the shitty KISS songs in th:underground, that shit blows)

i have been in therapy from quite the young age (~6). i was mainly forced to go by my undiagnosed, but clearly personality-mess-riddled mother. my working theory is that her own problems were projected onto me and finalized through decisions in what i do with my time. sort of as a punishment of herself, through me. so, as a 6 year old i was going in for “anger issues” to a sweet and patient (as i suppose you ought be) child therapist well call “charlotte”. i went to charlotte for nearly 5 years biweekly.. for this supposed “rage” i displayed.

unfortunately for my mom, i am just about as far as you can get from an uncontrollably angry individual. if anything, it’s been a problem that i present very few externally discernable emotions. at least- that’s what i am in therapy now for, managing how to present positively to others as a generally apathetic/inexpressive person. so, charlotte and i would work on things unrelated to anger issues, as it didn’t seem to be the supposed problem that my mother had said it was.

the closest someone can perceive as even slightly anger issues is my disregard for others feelings at times, through means of being blunt when i disagree with them on a topic. not with a hostile tone but more of a, i genuinely believe the full honesty is more beneficial and i don’t see the point (MOST of the time) in dancing around feelings that i don’t much understand and are often misunderstood anyways. on top of that i am quite expressive in my pessimism, i’ve always been that way. i try to off-center it with my humor to let people know i’m just as amusing as i am a downer(lol), but that doesn’t seem to work, as i am often seen as inscrutable in my expressions. thankfully, i’ve got some good people in my life who understand and or are similar/prefer the way i am ^_^)..

anyways.. now, charlotte has re-entered life. i went about a decade without seeing or talking to her and reconnected as the other therapists i had been seeing were people i considered to be not up-to-date/unintelligent and unhelpful. she is not incredibly helpful, not fault of her own, as i am extremely resistant to help. but, she does the best of everyone so far. that is in keeping up with my inability and visceral aversion to expanding upon my own emotions.. verbally, which as you can imagine is incredibly difficult when attempting to do cbt treatment.

having this therapist now is actually quite the situation, as she knows my familial issues and has also treated my siblings. therapy becomes a lot easier once you don’t necessarily have to expand much upon the nuances of a complicated childhood like my own. she saw that all, real time.

i can’t say a therapist has done so much for me other than allow me to force out what little i can verbally. it’s funny, i think all people will understand a concept if spoken aloud, but for me it’s extraordinarily disturbing to speak to myself. i don’t think i’ve done it a single time, not even as a kid. the closest i’ve been is saying “fuck” once when i stubbed my toe recently, it was quite the breakthrough, both of my skin and brain..ha. why is speaking to myself so difficult for me? is something that i’ve wondered about recently. i’ve thought it could be due to my internal thoughts being more of a 3rd person examination rather than a “me, myself, i” raw emotion/emerging thoughts sort of thing. it’s more like everything i do is through the eyes of how someone else would perceive “me”, which is more than likely a symptom of my ocd. it is how i’ve always functioned. and i think my brain knows better than to subject me to a puppet-show “3rd person” analysis, verbally. as i know and feel that i am only one person, cam, it feels too schizo to speak that out for only myself to hear.

the same issue goes for why i cannot pin-point emotions very well. i have a limited range of emotions i’m able to distinguish in their primitive forms. plus- i’m constantly separating myself from my ideas, emotions, and feelings. that fact makes the situation of an, “oh, i’ve never really just felt something without over-analyzing it.” as fun as hyper-analyzing is sometimes, it became a claustrophobic box i naively placed myself/my personality in, that is super hard, borderline impossible to break out of when i’ve been naturally doing it for such a long time.

even writing this up i do not have a clear overall idea that i want to convey. my brain feels stuffed full of cotton and layered with fog all the time, so, i have no idea if what i am saying is concise or readable at all. i really am trying to stop policing the unknown as it obviously- goes nowhere.

as comfortable as i am in liking whatever i like, i am still somewhat embarrassed of letting people see me play dress-up games. i assume my feelings on that are less of a repressed patriarchal self-hatred>>masculinization, and more so due to the fact that i dress like a 12 y/o minecraft fan-boy from 2012. ヽ(ー_ー )ノ it just seems a tad uncharacteristic, is all. i am just a fashion lurker..

so, later on into childhood i was gifted style savvy(wagamama fashion: girls mode) for the ds, i was intrigued. though the game didn’t have you actually creating clothes, it focused around putting clothing items together for customers that entered your shop. since then i’ve played an absurd amount of all the style savvy games released, with the exception of fashion forward(the models look like weird bugs) >_0

with the last style savvy release being style savvy: style star in 2017. many “cozy gamers” on forums have been fiending for a new release for years and finally, it seems they got it..sorta.

fashion dreamer, the game to solve the style savvy crave, was recently released in november 2023 for the switch. funnily, the game has decided to not follow the style savvy franchising. but, it is made by the same studio as style savvy, “syn sophia”. fashion dreamer is a “styling” game without the added plot point of owning your own store, which was the main relation between all style savvy games. instead, in fashion dreamer you are meant to collect clothes and design outfits for other players online. (my character in the picture^~^)

online-interaction is relatively new on this scale for syn sophia games. you can heart other players' creations, follow them, and send them “look-kits”(outfits you design). on one hand, yes, this is refreshing and something people always often ask for, the ability to share within the game and collect shit to flex on others lol. on the other hand, the decision to remove the task of upkeeping your own store makes it nothing more than a collection game. previously, you had customers with preferences that kept you managing budget/stock and preferences. that management is what kept you engaged on multiple levels. and fashion dreamer honestly falls flat in motivation. you can only wander endlessly and make outfits for people endlessly with seemingly no limit for so long. ☆⌒(> _ <)

with all that being said, it is definitely a fun game to mess around in or to play before bed for some relaxation. it is super effective in that regard. it is just enough stimulation to come back to when you’re bored, but not enough to actively want to play for hours on end.

side note: renee from the original style savvy is definitely the strongest thing i had to a "gay awakening". i knew i was interested in girls after witnessing this fictional asshole roast my character and clearly be romantically interested in my bosses boss lol

well, happy new year about a week later!

i couldn’t decide what i wanted my first post of the new year to be but i think it has to be mascot related since i’ve been a little obsessed with that lately. so, here are a few jp mascots i’ve come across. some major content, believe.

flying into the new year is sorayan(そらやん), kansai airport’s very own mascot. introduced to celebrate kansai airport’s(KIX,ITAMI,KOBE) 75th anniversary, she is a curiously friendly plane with a love for collecting scarfs and making people smile within the airports. one of the best things i found on sorayan is that the airport provides an AR QR code for people to take pictures next to sorayan after finishing the security check. this is quite the creative idea to advance a mascot and also make it possibly something for plane goers to look forward to after security ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ,.something else i realized while looking into sorayan is that, in my opinion, she is the only cute/successful airplane mascot. the other ones i’m aware of, sorun-chan( 空runちゃん) of the super specific hagi-iwami airport marathon national tournament and matatabi-kun(またたびくん) of tokyo city air terminal (T-CAT), are just boring/barely a plane + borderline scary in matatabi’s case…i will give matatabi +0.5 point for being a cat to poke fun at the T-CAT label, but it’s just a bulbous cat with an airplane cap and charlie brown feet. i digress, sorayan, i am sincerely sorry to take the spotlight away from you.. but I have nothing else to say about you, you are a very successful plane mascot.

we touched air, so we will in turn touch the sea for variety. hoeppi(ほえっぴー) of nagato city’s social welfare council in yamaguchi is a whale due to the “birth of modern whaling” in yamaguchi .. . . . (ㆆ_ㆆ). anyways, the city of yamaguchi has stylish social worker jackets adorned with hoeppi on their left breast. it’s sadly refreshing when mascots are actually used creatively in the fields they are meant to be shown. it sounds a little pointless to say that, but there are so many city mascots that just create the mascot, the mascot shows up sometimes at local events, but aren’t really promoted otherwise. it’s as if all their budget went into the suit (which it probably did). on a side note, i’d be curious to know why hoeppi has a squid purse, what the significance of that is wasn’t found in my search. and before i move on, here is a video from NCSW’s 2017 facebook post in which the music is famitrackercored with midi slap bass and a touhou-esque piano melody? on top of the greatness that is, humorous hoeppi pictures are inserted randomly accompanying a kindergarten-type song. awesome find and i've been listening on repeat lol.

lasty is a pair of stars with the shared dream of becoming a train conductor and driver respectively~ ginga-kun(ぎんがくん and kirari-chan(きらりちゃん) are iwate galaxy raiway’s(IGR) shining own twin mascots. ginga-kun is the older brother while kirari-chan is the younger sister. it is not clear how often the mascot suits come out, since events seem to be rare for IGR. however, i have to say IGR hired some really great artists/account managers to post frequently and creatively. their twitter has some seriously cute + engaging pictures of the two in various scenarios. something fun i stumbled across while looking through their account is that it seems like IGR turns off the built-in upper lights of the carriages and installs winter-like, star-shaped, fairy lights for their ginga-train ~christmas issue~” that runs from the december 2nd/5th and november 27th/16th (kinda random dates for a christmas event but w/e). mleko.neocities.org’s official 2024 wish is that ginga and kirari become more loved and their year-round attention to detail is noticed internationally and domestically by mascot fans. hopefully wishing on the twin stars will provide fruitful for IGR.ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ

i have arbitrarily decided to make a general 2023 post. i really hate the idea of "looking back" or "wrap-ups" due to my association with people who typically make them. i generalize them to be quite annoying individuals. just thinking of "wrap-up" makes me feel a little sick, i dont know... lol
none of this will withold any meaning to anyone reading, but it will be possibly entertaining for me when im 50.

2023 personal highlights:

2023 lowlights:

as always, i found a way to proceed with my general gaming grind without having any of my preferred electronics. it was settlers of catan. my family, who i stayed with, is not interested in games to the extent i am, especially not my parents. funnily, it was the thing i zoned in on(above all the other board games we had), in my state of sad pc-less puniness. that is pretty much all i did over the week, bother people to play catan with me and then play for hours at a time, multiple times a day. and i am lucky enough that these people indulge my gamer tendencies.. before i have withdrawals. my family didn’t want a foaming at the mouth, dazed, young lady laying out on the patio for all their nosy suburban neighbors to witness.

the main reason the games took hours is because one of my brothers dawdles, which probably extends the game by 1 hour at least. we all nudge at him to stop wasting time with incessant rambling about “strategy” and if something is “fair” or not. i really cannot stand that sort of thing. most people probably can’t.

notoriously, i am incredibly impatient with anyone, for nearly anything. it is something i should work on, but it is so unbearable (for now) to withstand certain things people do that are repetitive. i feel nauseous from irritation on occasion. that has to be my number one personality flaw, nothing even comes close. my impatience is about 100x times worse than anything else. and there is a fair amount of else.

being that stressed/irritated/angry very frequently lessens life-span. though i’m not particularly heartbroken about that, it would hurt my pride if i didn’t max my life-span to the best i can, now. the eyes of the omnipresent universe angel-aliens are judging my any% life run. ʚ ɞ

other than all that, i got to see my wonderful cats. i hadn’t seen them in so long, it felt very soul-purifying to pet and hug them.

i just finished up the last of what i need to do for my finals. this time i do not feel the relief of not having to work, as i did all my past winter/summer breaks. every night for a couple weeks i have been struggling to sleep because of this agonizing pit in my stomach. breathing exercises, rationalizing, and distraction have done nothing to fight off the pit, it seems to be a constant, hanging onto my subconscious with incredible grip. and when i wake up it remains, only leaving in certain intervals but making itself known throughout the day. met and comfy myself with adequate distraction? nope, the pit always makes itself known, major troll.

knowing that something is going to hurt you months in advance, without a doubt, is an incredibly agonizing situation. giving myself that time months beforehand..to essentially cut off all my emotions involving that up-coming situation has always been my go-to, to avoid the agony. thankfully, i am able to do that in most cases. this time i haven’t been able to, hence the pit. ┐('～`;)┌ ..the word pit is looking strange to me now. pit needs to go on a diet the way its clogging my brain. pit pit pit.

past that somewhat low note, i think i have definitely hit a high note on gaining some skills to pretend/play for the sake of “fuck it”. i feel significantly more connected to my environment, reality, and the earth, while pretending. which is ironic yes, but in some severe cases you need to work backwards to go forwards. this has been appreciable in the entertainment department and for growing some semblance of self-worth..? maybe? the cameron brain committee is fleshing out a blueprint for what their definition of self-worth is, given the confines of “super cool girl who doesn’t believe in inherent value” …more to come in our official press statement.

something that has been overweighing(ha) all the other problems is my recent weight gain. i’ve experienced disordered eating for a very long time, it has been a constant in my life since 3rd grade or so. this weight gain is primarily due to a recent severe depressive episode and medication; aka turning binge-eating to fill some sort of emotional void and not caring about the consequences because of the numbness. and honestly, i feel incredibly insecure going out or being seen. i am indescribably uncomfortable in my body, it feels foreign and scary to walk around in it. it is unbearable for me to feel the fat on my stomach move even slightly, it emotionally and physically feels like i am a body-horror creature. a bit dramatic of course, but the genuine disgust is as described.

i wish i could scrape all the extra fat off in one go. i am compelled by my insecurity to lift up my shirt to check my stomach and hips from all angles every time i go to the bathroom, as if anything will change within an hour the last time i checked. everyday is filled with the delusion of instant weight loss from one good dietary action. one of the problems with this is the expectation that i am owed the mystic weight drop, because of my desperation and not because of my hard-work physically towards it. i can daydream all day long of it happening, but it wont. duh, right. yeah. but, as a chronically delusional person, i truly believe in it more often than not, so much so that i neglect what i need to do. take care of my body. sure, this is something incredibly common, maybe one of the most common things humans do. eat poorly, stay sedentary. but, i think that it becomes much harder when i am so intensely misapprehended that i can/will receive magical treatment from the universe.

people always talk about loving yourself to heal yourself. i can see how that could apply to this case. part of the disgust on my part is the fear of people abandoning me because of my physical appearance. for reference, i am incredibly average, still average weight, face, all of that. so.. as much as i know that i would not be abandoned for a slight weight gain, nor my appearance, there is still a part of me that feels that i misunderstand what my true appearance is. maybe if i were to work on improving my self-worth, the need of support and fear of abandonment based upon faulty grounds would dissipate dramatically. one can only assume that, right?

i’ve mostly spent my break playing disco elysium, which i finished last night. i’ve had the game sitting in my steam library for a year or so, maybe longer. i knew i would enjoy the game, regardless of the gameplay/dialogue. mainly because of the art style. i'm the type of person to watch or play something, even if it is boring, just because it is visually intriguing. thankfully for me, i find nearly anything visually stimulating, i can get some sort of entertainment from whatever. disco elysium is not lacking in dialogue.. so we are safe there. not in concept either. the gameplay was a little mindless at times, which is something you should expect with detective/dialogue-driven games. i found the north-western part of the map incredibly unsatisfying to walk, as well as unintuitive about where it was viable to walk. that is only a minor problem and one of the only, if not the only problem i had with the gameplay.

outside of the charming hand-painted textures for ..literally everything, truthfully i felt quite invested in a couple of the characters. in particular, i was interested in soona, paledriver, and the phasmid. moreover, i was interested in how those three relate to the phenomena of ‘the pale’ and what is to come in the story, regarding that topic. outside of being obsessed with the name ‘the pale’(lol), i particularly enjoy the idea of it being born through human consciousness, which inherently gives it the traits of “chaos, uncertainty, and entropy.” a manifestation decided upon before existence was realized by humans, bound to occur and bound to begin indefinitely when all consciousness is erased by it eventually. though the game gives hope, seeing as the shrinking of the pale was measured(in the church plot-line), we can derive that the pale is manageable and does not have to grow to the size of an extinction event. however, from my perspective, the possibility of mankind working together for a common goal is impossible. who knows though, perhaps they will all be hit with a ray of love for humanity and cure all mental/physical ailments and they will all sing and dance in a circle nonstop, to ward off the impending fog. (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

the purpose of a main character is to be common or moldable enough in personality. the immutable characteristics of harry outside of physical attributes are those of alcoholism, trauma, and regret(these traits wouldn’t be considered immutable for us in the real world, but since this is a game.. they are) we can see harry is moldable to an extent. meaning you can choose how you play out the game, political alignment, morals, etc. so, in theory, my attachment to harry should be stronger than to side characters, but it isn’t. sure i am incredibly troubled with things from the past, as harry is too. but, harry being an alcoholic was something very hard for me to play into, being inebriated is far from any experience i’ve had and i can’t relate that to anything similar enough to feel like i’m truly playing through harry. his being an alcoholic/previous actions involving alcohol is a major plot driver. it turned me off from personal association with harry, defeating the “goal” of a playable main character.

with that being said, i think harry being an alcoholic is perfect for the story/vibe of disco elysium and it makes me more curious on what prior events could be so awful for him to drink himself to near-death. additionally, i think more people on average, than not, can extrapolate something from harry’s coping. i acknowledge that i am a minority in that respect and that it is not a valid critique of the game as a whole but a personal and minor gripe.

that got me thinking, how i don’t find harry super relatable, it is nice in a way. i don’t always want to do things as intended. i think, relating to a main character in whole might be more detrimental to the experience for me, than not. since i can’t relate to him, i am able to take in more objectively. i feel that i got a clearer view of harry as a person than someone who was considering themselves to be him. and that for me, makes the story more of a vast entanglement that i can think about for longer. :D

overall a very nice game. inspired me to work on my portfolio…lolololloolol,..... . .. ugh

both my brother and my therapist have mentioned that they believe i’ve been depressed and anxious since an incredibly young age. i can’t remember my childhood very well, at least not in a way where i could discern feelings or thoughts, so i can’t confirm that. the memories i have up until ~12 are vague, like a dirty photograph i try cleaning, but the more i clean the more smudged it becomes, full of falsity. there are a few memories i believe to be real here and there, but nothing lasting or super clear.

as unbelievably jaded as i am, i have a buoyantly appreciative connection with consciousness. but somehow right now is first time in my 21 years of life that i am actively desiring to be conscious. it has always been a question of how far the cognitive-dissonance of appreciating life in everything but myself will run. it seems now that, that question is being unraveled. (´｡• ω •｡`)

with a bit of a chemical push, it feels like i am capable of being happy and wanting that too, regardless of capability. and what i am realizing beyond that is that i don’t want to internally shame myself for desired good-faith actions and that i can act on what i want even if it doesn’t fit into whatever edgy mold i attempt to portray. i’m sick of this guard i have up, it doesn’t get me cool points and there is certainly no point in engaging with being guarded, considering i’m already relatively self-isolated from others. i already did the work isolating myself (as i’ve always wanted) and i think it is time to feel comfortable in my desires now that i have that safety.

with all that being said, i don’t know if this will last, truthfully i feel it wont last. but! for now i am very happy with the progress i’ve made, at least in regards to what is clinically desired for most people. for now i am choosing to be proactive in living, instead of sitting in dust without the full energy to end it. that was fucking draining. i’d like to hold onto this happiness and desire i am seeing for myself. 。。。ミヽ(。＞＜)ノ

so.. 6 years later here i am, soon to be playing. i’ve been fairly nervous to play, since i’m incredibly insecure about roleplaying or acting. i’m not able to hear my tone as well as others can. and as you can imagine, that can be quite an issue when it comes to dnd. ┐(‘～` )┌ i will attempt to get around my monotone voice by playing a character who is also tone challenged! lol. ingenious, i know.

to get a feel of dnd again, i have started to listen to critical role, campaign 3. before now, i haven’t listened to dnd podcasts, or really any podcasts. i think i am enjoying it? ..i’m not too sure if it is my thing, but they seem like a nice cast and i like matthew mercer so, it’s satisfactory background noise. though it is a little uncomfortable hearing knuckle’s voice randomly between the acting.

the character i am playing for the campaign is an eladrin(winter) swarmkeeper. her name is caevara, she is 122(younger for a fey, looks late 20s-early 30s), desaturated blue skin, low-down pointed ears(a little stubby for her kind), flat facial features accessorized by glasses, and messy/fluffed out stark white hair below her waist. her role in the plot pre-campaign is that she is the royally appointed bookkeeper for the ruling family of the region in which the campaign begins. oh! and the coolest part is her bug-like swarm is made of paper ^v^)/!
here are some picrews i made of her for fun:

i have always appreciated sounds that feel just detached enough while still expressing the existence of other humans. recently, i’ve been trying to exist in silence as much as i can. not necessarily because it's what i prefer, but because i’ve realized that headphones don’t fuel my decompressing needs anymore and have become a major sensory irritant for me instead. since i was 11 i have been wearing headphones/earbuds everyday with some sort of sound playing for ~9-10 hours on average. typically the sound would be 1-3 songs that i’d repeat for weeks at a time, until i can’t listen anymore. i assume it is some sort of soothing technique, like rocking(which i do). up until recently, i was getting quite a bit of value out of the headphones, but now it feels like they are just an addition to me that make me feel overstimulated far too often to justify constant wearing. ☆⌒(>_<)

so i’ve been enjoying what noises a cracked open window can give me and the humming of my pc far more often. right now.. i feel comfortable without music, thanks to the rain. i’m not sure any song could be better than this c:

"pada deszcz. pada deszcz.
tańczą cienie na firance...
biały pierrot, nocny wieszcz,
deklamuje lilii stance." - bruno jasieński

first i’d like to start off with niko-chan(ニコちゃん) of namegata city. she is a recovering hikikomori catfish, who carries her brother, namezuo(なめぞう), in a little net pouch. though she isn't often seen, she grows in ability to come outside every time she meets the townspeople. one interesting fact is that she wants to become a gyaru. and my favorite detail of hers is the flower she has in her hair, which i believe is meant to be some sort of stargazer lily.

next up is OKOmin(おこみん) the mascot for shiga kogen ski resort in yamanouchi. they are an ermine/stoat, hence oko(jo) which means ermine in japanese and (er)min(e) in english.combined makes the name okomin! one of his favorite activities is hide and seek in the snow, which works well for him considering one of his “weak points” is that he is elusive. autism be damned my boy can ski.

this mascot is probably the most likely to be known in the west on this list, i think. i've definitely seen her a few times on pinterest. i’m taking about yume-chan(たかたのゆめちゃん) of rikuzentakata city in iwate prefecture. sadly, rikuzentakata was almost entirely destroyed in 2011 during the tōhoku earthquake and tsunami. yume-chan was made a year after in 2012, to spread cheer and hope around iwate! also... she is married to some bum named kaburera >.>(he is also a mascot)

my personal favorite, suit wise, fukka-chan(ふっかちゃん) of fukaya city in saitama prefecture. they are one of the more active mascots, as he is quite popular in japan, promoting heavily on twitter and facebook. their website is quite cute, give it a look! he seems to do it all for social media, even risking his life
side note: through looking at fukaya i found out they have very peculiar architecture in places, for japan. particularly their main train station and commercial high school. it is as if jacobean and national romantic architecture had a baby with horizontal wood planks?

lastly for today is heartora-chan(ハートラちゃん), the heart-eared tiger mascot for red cross japan. she was created to encourage people to get involved with red cross. if she wasn't adopted by the red cross she would be breaking a genenva convention by having the red cross on her forehead! read about her backstory here! i can see little stress/squeeze balls for blood draw made of her head. someone hire me.

anyways, i wasn’t sure what to write for this entry as i’m sure you can tell from that first little bit there. soooo.. i was on google maps, as i often am, and i randomly dropped in front of a 7/11 in taiwan. as you can see, there in front of this 7/11 is a little mascot. i did some minor digging and found out this guys name is OPEN-chan. he was created in japan and popularized further in taiwan. and i find it majorly offensive and troll of the states to not have a mascot for 7/11, when it is a texas-born chain.

i’m surprised that the us hasn’t really tapped into cuter, big-cranial mascots for products or services. japan has it down and it seems to be quite the money generator. i think mickey-mouse has ran his course in terms of love, he is outdated in appeal. the only love i see for mickey mouse outside of disney adults is the kingdom hearts fans. the closest we have to a new cute mascot is duolingo and he has already been turned into a fictional murderer by the public. what america needs is a government implemented course of action to implement little mascots in every business with more than 10 locations. furthering the capitalistic drooling of little fuzzy creatures is what i want. i would even buy a $15 key-chain of an active american military mascot committing heinous war crimes if it was cute enough. this is the new step for american propaganda campaigns, i’m telling you.
while i’m on the topic of mascots and characters, here are my top 5 san-x and sanrio characters:

1: pompompurin

2: chai chai monchan

3: hawaii hello kitty

4: jinbesan

5: korilakkuma
i will make a post of some cool japanese mascots that are more niche soon!!

anyways, i’ve known this has needed serious tending to for a long time, so on my energy roll(energy roll=leaving house) to get an increase in my antidepressants i asked my doctor about medications to help with waking up suddenly in the night. graciously.. i’ve been bestowed by the overworked/underpaid pharmacy technicians at cvs with a tiny pill for my nighttime troubles. yay!

however! there is one major issue. they changed my anti-depressant pill capsule from ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*light,feminine*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ to shit log... aka its over lol. you know the meds aren't doing upstanding work when you do not want to take them because they don't match your decorated pill case. but, i am strong and will overcome this hurdle thrown at me!!

in other news it is officially the beginning of november(shocking, i know, you’re welcome), one of the most unmemorable months, in my opinion. i was talking with someone briefly about the months and how the annual calendar looks in their mind vs how it looks in mine. theirs was a flat circle with no differing lengths. for me the months are of differing lengths, differing colors and in a 3d ovular shape. both of ours do not look very clear in our mind’s eye. i assume that goes for most people. especially when the thing someone is trying to visualize does not require recalling the usage of multiple sensations.

with that being said.. i will provide a small content trigger warning: there is a high possibility of me writing about depression, delusions, and dissociation. if any of that stuff triggers/generally bothers you i do not recommend reading these entries! (ill probably move this to the top of the page once i post more)
i will also be keeping a small rating type of system for how im feeling before every post. i like that sort of thing, it brings me immense amounts of joy. oh, and a little song!


mood:
energy:
body:

i have been trying to escape a depressive episode that has been going on for about 3 weeks now. it is not that i do not have the knowledge or resources to yank myself out of it, i have an abundance of it even. however, once one gets into the routine of depression, ie (for me) sleeping irregular hours in the day with seemingly no boundaries of when to stop, eating like shit every chance i get, and grabbing onto unsatisfactory, fast dopamine(video games in my case).. it is hard to throw all that away when you know these little things like playing video games as soon as you wake up keeps your brain moving on the minimal amount of happy juice required to keep it functioning. if not for hours of video games a day i would most likely ruminate on my “failures” nonstop or sleep the entire day, on and off, in a zombified states of confusion.

once you are inside for a long period of time, not going outside more than to step your foot out the door to grab your wendys burger, it gets increasingly hard to actually step the second foot out the door. i’m certain the users of neocities would understand this lol. well good news..i finally broke out of that yesterday! go me.

this got me thinking about how i used to not struggle with doing semi-necessary tasks. i was the opposite of a procrastinator. without fail my work would be turned in on-time, up until this past year. this is mostly because of my obsession to keep a high gpa in highschool. i had very little cares about college, mind you.. i concerned myself so severely with this that i would overwork to the point of being on the edge of a panic-attack or borderline shitting myself to meet even soft-deadline extra-credit assignments. all to keep my ego soaring afloat. of course, this obsession is packed-full of something like time-anxiety. which has seemed to subside, as far as school in the last year.

though it is generally enjoyable that i have less of an issue with time anxiety, it means i have no real grounding in finishing work for my classes now. since i have not developed healthy managing techniques that don't involve relentless anxious thinking, i am stuck trying to figure that out in adulthood. i can imagine this is a major issue for many college students.
i’ll need to find a temporary solution to a long term issue, it seems. functioning productively in life is just making your brain feel the funny happy juice in increments, i think. :3